Journey of a solitary man
I seem to be walking alone on this journey
Yet people surround me every day
Like slow motions in ocean currents
I see my life slowly unveil
A journey I have sometimes failed its test
Only comforted that I am only human
Yet a reward for living
Is breathing freely this city air I know
Mastered my craft
Have I really? Can I say I am here?
Living, Breathing, Loving, Hating, Forgiving
Leaders have been made before me
Others still knock at dreamless doors
To tell my story would be a fallacy
Should I not have cried?
Should depression have been suppressed?
Swallowing memories
Does not make them non existent
Every raw feeling re-lives in me
“Wake up baby, we need to leave”
Mama’s arms shook me from my sleep
Confused still dreaming I scrambled after her
I knew we had to leave
I understood it, yet I couldn’t comprehend
It had to be my father, he caused all this
Should I have been angry?
Should I have confronted him?
I was too young, maybe not young enough
I knew we had to leave
He made mum cry, he hurt her
Mama even found a dagger
That threatened to end her life
In the arms of that man, that man I once called dad
I am a man
Should I not have feared?
Should I not have followed mum
And stayed with father instead
I understand not
Why I needed to choose
My birth
I imagine it to have been spectacular
“It’s a boy!” the nurse must have announced
Mama must have smiled down at me
With so much hope and pride
Am I the man you bore?
Am I the son of your bosom?
Have I given you pride
I am a man now mother
I seem to be sinking in a desolate place
Were they dreams in my head?
“Arrest that woman!” haunting words
How, had fate weaved its cruel web
My family torn into shreds again
Mama accused of stealing
This could not be real
Wake up Jeff, wake up from this nightmare
Voices never disappeared
Police were real, hand cuffs on her hands real
Prison cell real, all too real for my soul to cement
together
I was just a boy
Men in blue a reality I hate
Pained talking to mama through bars
I needed her to hold me still; this boy was not yet a man
I needed a mother’s comfort
World took that away from me too forced to grow too fast
Think, decide, and know more than my young mind needed to
Years on cell bars still separate us
He was a stranger
Yet cared so much for me in an orphanage
Growing into myself I had to survive
Food, shelter, education, love
Life’s basics taken for granted
I wake up in cold sweat screaming
Only a recurring dream
“Noooooo!” mama screaming her hands lifted
Father’s drank again
Yelling, angrily with threats
“This knife will end you today” so much anger in his voice
Why did he drink so much?
He was the police, supposed to protect
Not hurt
Why can’t I stop drowning yet?
I hate sleep, I hate dream in my sleep
This boy is now a man
Stranger’s kindness has limits
A grown man needs his on hustle
Life in a small town getting crowded
I need to break free and find sense
In a maddening world I should find purpose
Clothes on my back, resolve to break a sweat
Dive into uncertain bottomless holes
Until I can come up for air
“Hey we need a new cast member” that stranger told me
Was this the beginning I needed?
Was life deciding to embrace me again?
Is this the sojourner’s journey
I know I am a man
My faithfulness is all I have
My memories are what ground me
Keeps me alive long enough
Long enough to breathe again
Breath again new dreams
I seem to be walking alone in this journey
Yet I know her hand is still in mine
Life made me, should I make it my own?
Pains sometimes broke me
Disappointments might have crippled me
Yet a beating heart kept me still
My sanity has not left me
This land that I try to conquer
I know I am in my element
My craft comes to me naturally
I belong in the bosom of these lights
Walk with me now
Let my shadow speak my story
My growing beard, show you a man I have become
He said She said
Tales I choose not to spin
My heart reverberates Sound of a beautiful future
Built from a darkened past
Create a music that molds me
This journey I no longer walk alone
Dim not these lights
For I am being reborn into myself
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